Choosing Lanzarote as your travel destination was very simple. I entered the websites of all travel agencies, chose the date from "tomorrow", rejected the politically unstable and culturally uncomfortable directions and sorted by price. When the only additional criteria are the kitchen and internet in the apartment, everything becomes simple. This is how we ended up hotel Cinco Plazas in Puerto del Carmen from the TUI office for about PLN 1,800 / week with flight and luggage in which it is located Brompton - the best bike in the world. Is it worth it? I don't know, but now I can guess ;-)

* note, the text is written by a cultural ignorant and is a purely subjective opinion.

How much is it worth paying to see the rubble?

As for the hotel itself - for the price - it's OK. A lot of space, adequate internet, food so bad that on the 3rd day we stopped coming for free breakfasts, the promenade was a stone's throw from the window and most of all - the Dino Express store - a weak stone's throw from the window. Equipped with a kitchen with a microwave and everything you need.

Lanzarote itself is like a movie or a play in the theater. You'll read one hundred million praising reviews and zero negative ones, chat with friends who recommend them, then watch them and wonder what's wrong with you. The best description is the answer of the master Makyo to my question "is it worth it?": the island is definitely unique. On the second day or so, we already had our theory about it. Normally, when you go on vacation, this place is nice and you think it's great. It is unique here, because you can already see that it is ugly. But seriously - it's ugly. I thought for a long time whether to use this word, but Sylwia has no problem with it and you can write to her on Instagram at any time and she will confirm. And here I will warn people who want to challenge me after the first paragraph and I will throw in the picture itself negating what I say:

How is it that the entire internet thinks Lanzarote is beautiful - I decided not to think about it. It is a bit like going to see nothing. And nothing can actually be interesting and different, because usually there is something somewhere. So you can say that nothing is something you go to see.

Nothing is very photogenic there, but in the long run nothing is interesting and something is definitely missing. On the other hand, Freddy sang that he did "Nothing (nic) really matters"So maybe there's something deeper about it that I don't notice. Or nothing.

In any case, I recommend that you consider whether the landscape below is hot for you. However, having in the back of your head that there is definitely an ocean behind these mountains, and behind you, there is an asphalt road. If this landscape had been in American spaces, it would have been different. But it is not, which of course also makes sense, because you are standing in the middle of a small Atlantic island.

What do I agree with for sure?
However, if someone likes sunbathing, he will find his way there. There are several beaches, extremely different from each other and quite nice. Such in cities, such among rocks and so huge. Some don't even have lava stones.

The fact that this is a photogenic place is also impossible to disagree. However, if you start looking at these photos in greater numbers, note that they usually show the same, several places. It's hard to be surprised, the island is small. On the other hand, finding out that it is bigger than Madeira comes as a shock. Subjective comparison Madeira and Lanzarote is a comparison of the total adversities that, from our perspective, have in common - the price we paid. Assuming that Madeira she was great, the rest can be said. However, you may like big beaches and sun more than rain and green hills. In Lanzarote, most gardens look like this:

Of all the places we've visited, Lanzarote has arguably the biggest difference between how fun it is and how we liked it.

Because it's just not the place for us. Too little walking area, too little "local color", too few plants. There aren't even any pets, although the presence of a bird called "srokosz" makes you feel like you are on our Warsaw balcony. Yes, someone called a species of bird: the magpie.

At times it resembles Lanzarote Death Valley and Artist's Drivewhere there is also no vegetation, but the awareness of the difference in the scale of these places, however, makes a colossal difference.


Maybe the word "nice" is the last word that comes to mind, considering the whole island.

Maybe the internet is somewhat lying when it says that it is the least touristic Canarian island, considering that the dominant languages seem to be incomprehensible British and German, and the most frequently ordered meal is english breakfast.

Perhaps most of the island is so windy that bicycles can overtake cars

Maybe there are triathletes everywhere

However, I would be lying if I said that there are no "moments" and that a few places are not worth seeing. So I prepared a weekend timetable for people who cannot chill or they must close long leaves, in short terms.


This is a route that includes roads that I think are worth traveling on. Making it in one day will not be pleasant or comfortable. Riding Lanzarote has this feature that drawing dry does not take into account the wind, the lack of shadow and the subjective feeling of the route. Also take into account that the track below avoids the point described on the map below as "road worth seeing". This is because I couldn't draw it reasonably, but the route will be broken into two days (which I recommend), you should be able to do it by now. You can even sunbathe a little then and take a walk in the best walking area we could find. I warn you that this is a plan for the cultural ignorant.

download gpx.

The adventure begins in Puerto del Carmen, it is the equivalent of our proverbial Mielno. The difference is that Chinese food is actually sold in Chinese stores by Asians, the parties are probably more aimed at people who are about 30 years older than ours, and there are no stalls, billboards, bouncers, players, bullies and so on. With all due respect to the proverbial Mielno, of course.

The promenade itself with a dedicated bicycle path is about 30 km long with minimal breaks and after leaving the first town it is more like Rowy in October than Mielno in July. Only it's warm and sunny. On the road it can be a bit irritating, but the promenade is part of the attractions. Especially that it runs near the airport and if someone wants to go to prison, he can throw a stone at the engine of a landing plane - they are so low over the head. Beware of head-on collisions on the promenade, as most Brits feel at home on the streets thanks to the English breakfast.

Behind the promenade is the kingdom trillionists. It's something like a road that is the equivalent of our S8 Loop, only bigger hills, less shade, more wind - such a service along the main road, even marked as Via Ciclista De Lanzarote. In the north, near the town of Orzola, there is one of the most beautiful roads on the island, although I have no arguments to prove it. From the description it is: sea, lava, little traffic and very interesting beaches, such as Playa Caleton Blanco. That would be enough from the flat section of the trip, but also from this "against the wind", because you can boldly assume that it usually blows from the north.

Then there's Mirador del Rio. I suspect that it is the most popular viewpoint on the island. As on the first day, it did not impress us too much, when we visited it by car, the world looks different by bicycle and it turned out to be really strong. And even the road leading to it (the western one) is stronger than the point itself. An obvious point, but also a must. Then uphill with serpentines to the town of Haria and an infinitely long and fast (by the standards of the island) descent. In the village of Teguise, a stop is made in Jonniebakes Artisan Bakery and Cafe recommended to us by Patrick's Day. These are home-made muffins plus coffee, made by two super-nice gentlemen. On this scale, where people are rated from 0 to 10, they score 13.

Then go up a little, down a little and check in to the most important part of the island. Whatever you say, this place is the most important, period: Volcanoes Park, meaning Parque Nacional de Timanfaya. And now yes, focus. If, like me, you explore your destination a bit with Google Street View before you go, you will find your bank here. Not only that, there is a chance that you will throw a man, e.g. in such a place and this view will convince you to buy tickets. So let me inform you: this best loop, going through the center of the most interesting place on the island, is only available with the sightseeing bus. In general, the entire National Park offers 3 possibilities:

  • a short camel ride
  • visiting the tourist center + 45-minute asphalt ride through the park with the help of the tourist bus and a short demonstration of how hot the ground you are standing on is
  • short guided walk

Of course, everything is paid accordingly. Normally I'd say it's not worth it in my opinion, but considering the number of alternatives on the island - it's worth it. Although just surrounding the park by public roads is enough. This is probably one of the most unique places you will see in your life.


Coming back, it is worth taking a lunch in Casa Juan Ramón. I'm sure it's not the top 10 restaurants on the island, but you won't find anything more local. The place is so local that it's hard to find it, even when you see it on the map, and nobody speaks (or even tries to) speak English there and you have to explain the menu with several items on your phone. If you are looking for more elegant food, I recommend a trip to El Golfo, there is plenty of it there.


The best thing you can do before going to Lanzarote is to buy Purple Green glasses or similar - then everything is 5x prettier, just like in the pictures.

That's it. When asked about the island, Sylwia replies that it is generally a construction site in terms of scenery. Honestly, however, I have to admit that if you are looking for a promenade, some very nice and very different beaches, pubs and all-inclusive hotels with animations for children, the island will definitely meet your expectations. And there may also be a case that you are a triathlete, then you have been or will be there anyway and it does not matter what I write here.

This text is not summarized, completely on purpose. I leave you with the feeling that we returned from our trip with. For the first time I got off at Okecie with the feeling: how nice, colorful.