Before you live with your bike in a big city, it's worth getting acquainted with the rules to be followed to become a real Janusz Kolarski.
Hustle this guy on an expensive bike with expensive equipment.
Because why him? After Merida, he will drive exactly the same for PLN 4,000. Why should he measure his power if he is not a professional? Do you really need a bike more expensive than the Polish team? After all, he could save those 30,000 differences and spend them on epic bicycle trips - he would have six months of vacation. Your task is to know better how to spend someone's money and repeat it at every possible opportunity (especially if he has it and you do not)
Be smart and say that it was cheaper
Because why buy a Garmin for a thousand as you can otherwise. Same with other, unnecessary accessories.
Translate why you will not be here or next time
Because if an event is organized for 100 people, everyone should justify their absence. If I publicly ask who is going on a Saturday ride or for an epic getaway in a month, the obligatory answer is: "I'm happy, but I can not. Maybe next month, "possibly" willingly, but I'm just at Nałęczów. "
Repeat everyone that cycling is the hardest sport
Yes, cycling is one of the hardest sports in the world ... but professional, large-scale. The cyclist on the Tour de France needs, depending on the sources, from 6 to 8 thousand kilocalories - one thousand per hour. In this respect, cycling can only be compared to cross-country skis. The problem is that the Tour lasts 3 weeks, and the amateur races between 3 and 6 hours (sometimes it will hit a stage like New Targ Road Challengebut they are still 3 days).
Before the next time you write to someone that the sport you play is the hardest, talk to young swimmers for example how many times they exercise and how their day looks like. Because remember, being the amateur amateur the most important are:
Discredit other sports
Laugh with footballers. A ball is a game, not a sport. Koperów 90 minutes stand on the pitch, and earn as much as the budget of the cycling group (the budgets of the best cycling groups are probably some 20 million euros, which is what Robert Lewandowski earned in 2016). They are cold in the snow, slip in the rain, in 1.5 hours they run up to several kilometers, and for this they stumble over their own legs and cry, pretending that someone has hit them. Luckily, no one is cheating in cycling. So at every big sporting event:
Cry that it is not cycling that is a national sport
Wonder why this is football. After all, 10-year-old kids instead of going in 10 people on the pitch under the block and kicking this one ball into the backs of backpacks could pull their bikes and create a peloton to ride around the city. Instead of watching the 90-minute event, which fear to drain from the eyes, because at any moment can graze the goal, better to watch 4 hours of relationship from the 16th stage, the second this year the Grand Tour, which just is a bit flat ...
"Cycling is not a game, it's a sport. Tough, hard and unpitying, and it requires great sacrifices. One plays football, or tennis, or hockey. One does not play at cycling "- Jean de Gribaldy
Ignore other sports
As part of revenge, every time someone writes about the European Championships in another sport, ask in detail for details. Ask what they play and who with whom. Do everything to show how much you ignore other disciplines.
Call everything in English
Because there is no such thing as clubs, there are only clubs. A quick ride is a race, a free coffee ride or a rege. He is no longer on the edge, he is doing it coffee breaka. He does not ride in T-shirts and shorts, only jersey'ach and bibsach. Nothing is an ordinary "going to ride a bike". Your blog can not have a Polish name such as "Hop on Bike!"Only necessary"Hop Cycling". By the way, a blog:
Suspect everyone for coking
On the amateur professions of those who come before you. In the professional peloton of those who win. After all, it is not possible to look at their watts, VAMs and other numbers. Nothing builds the sports spirit of an athlete who has not been proven in the samples, like accusing him of doping.
Earn high-profile ideologies
Be a better version of yourself tomorrow, today, from yesterday. Each day is sacrifice and sacrifice - fight for a better tomorrow. Do not hesitate if what you are doing is still a pleasure. Cycling is not a hobby - it's hard work!
Create a blog and fanpage.
If you do not have a name idea, simply add the suffix "cycling" or "bike". If you do not have the idea for the content, download the pictures from other sites and throw them with a different signature. However, if you do something great, which takes you over a dozen hours a week, it only remains:
Get upset that others have more likes
because, after writing 3,200 words, it takes you 5 hours and you get 19 likes, and a girl puts a photo of your head on the couch (and other parts of the body and then the appropriate multiplier starts) and gets 196 likes, it's unfair. It does not matter that you also prefer to see pictures of girls on the album than to read a comparison of 3 bikes differing in stiffness of the bottom of the slide (by 4.62%). If, however, you lead an interesting life and you have a lot of cool fot from trips, remember:
Take photos only from two perspectives and color them
Aim the camera so that 40% of the image occupies your head and hand, possibly the hip and a piece of the bike you are just going to (unless you are a girl and you have a pretty head / hip - then it does not matter). Then just Photoshop, in which you drag the clarity and saturation slider all the way to the end and you have a super photo on the wall. You copy your 73 #hasztagi, tag 17 sponsors: current and potential, and then post (posting is more pro than throwing). If it's good for you, you will succeed by:
Test everything
A modern blogger must test everything. If you have bought something, be sure to put in the information that you are starting to test it (do not use it, use is for ordinary mortals). However, it is better to get things straight from the producers. Then in exchange for a 2-page review of an ordinary T-shirt, you'll get it and more items for free.
Require from your sponsor
If you're racing, you'll sign up for the team sooner or later. The team will certainly have a patron who in return for riding in his shirt will cover you with some costs and will give you a lot of discounts. Remember, it's an honor for him. If you're taking a privileged place at the end of the first 10 at local races, you'll get the right pay! After all, it can not be that you add to your hobby!
Convince everyone to the Chinese
Chinese counterfeits are just as good as the original ones. Remember to convince everyone, especially if you drive alone on Chinollini. You will win each discussion, use only basic arguments: almost all bikes are made in China / Taiwan, probably even in the same factory, only those "counterfeit" after hours. If they look the same, why overpay? You lecture 3 or 10 times more just so that big companies have money for marketing and sponsoring.
Remember your coach and plan at every opportunity
Remember, the plan counts. Remember it to everyone, whether it invites you for a beer or your wedding. Why plan a plan when nobody knows about it?
Talk about it especially when driving
If someone overtakes you, do not hesitate and tell him that you have a light ride today. Alternatively, you're doing a yesterday break or compensating before tomorrow. Especially if a girl ahead of you, repeat it many times. Even at the race.
Talk everywhere about bikes
You know this joke: "How do you get to know a triathlete at a party? Nothing, he'll tell you about it. " Do not be such a triathlete (you always take props from a triathlete) - you do not always have to talk about bikes
Burn yourself
This is a mandatory point of the competition. 2 days before you go stressed, at night you can not sleep, you spend the entire afternoon after commenting on your ride in the pizzeria so that everyone can hear Ujek the road has arrived.
Share everything everywhere
Strava, Endomondo and Garmin Connect are not enough. Enable yourself to automatically place your tracks on Facebook. Alternatively, do it manually with a note: light, rege, kick off the leg, search for rhythm, pace, etc. Because nothing can be just going out for a bike anymore.
Keep a different attitude
Do not you like racing? Are you entertaining mainly tourism? Laugh with those who train, who have a coach, look at the watts, kill themselves at Rondo, fight for the Staroste Cup in Wólka. After all, it does not matter in the world. Your approach is better. Are you racing? Hate those who drive to ride. After all, doing 25 hours a week does not have such a good effect as a well-planned 10 hours.
Repeat everyone how much your bicycle cost ... when it was new
If you've spent so much, it's great for everyone to know. Even if you bought it as one who had been racing on the pavement for 5 years. Check the price of the catalog and put in a coincidence that "my bike for 40,000 ...". Remember, it sounds even better if you ordered it from Aliexpress. And if you have such an expensive bike
Do not drive an expensive bike on a curvy one
Colleagues going to the unknown? Answer that you are letting go, because it is a shame for you. Is a great race in the center of the place? Be afraid that it is uneven there. The bike is used to look. (does not apply to collector's items and machines with number n + 1)
Repeat how much you do not want to, but you must
This is not a hobby, it's a fight and hard work! Remember to emphasize this. Entries like "I really did not want today, but I forced myself" are always up-to-date. Especially when repeated often enough. After all, you do not do it for pleasure.
Be a pro
Will you eat gel on the route? Throw away the empty package into the ditch - you are after the race, and the empty package is not enough to bother in the pocket, it still weighs. Shout at the volunteers or your girlfriend that he is giving you a crooked drink. This is war, there is adrenaline, you have the right
Do not give changes
Changes weaken, you generate unnecessary watts. Always drive in the peloton. Let others fire and you will only attack at the finish line. You can practice it every week on Rondo - teachers who mastered this art will be a lot. Just in case, do not show any threats, maybe a few opponents will disappear thanks to this.
Drive a mini. Always
Even if the race is 500 kilometers from home and the shortest distance is 28 kilometers. After all, you have a good reason: you have a chance to fight for a box.
Follow the rules and demand this from others
Velominati principles they are the most important and sooner or later you will find out about it. Therefore, if someone puts their photos with a bicycle, comment on them each time with the information that he is a beater, because he rides with the seatbucker, and everything fits in the pockets. It does not matter that you are doing it from behind your desk at work, and he is just riding a 180-kilometer route on the Alpine passes.
Make segments
Everywhere, but preferably where you were going fast. If the hill was 10 kilometers long and you missed the end, it is necessary to create "Drive up the Hill - to the penultimate turn", or "Driveway X - the third part". Double, of course, are scored segments flat.
From tomorrow and next year
This is my favorite comment under each entry. Someone describes a good route? For sure there will be 5 people who will write "I'm going there next year!"
Do not pay for the service
Unscrew the baked parts for 5 minutes. Quick adjustment is a few more. Drop into the store, your friend will do it right away. Do not pay him, especially if he says you do not have to. Alternatively, buy him a beer at the next visit. By the way, ask for two hardware tips, try on shoes and buy everything on the internet afterwards.
Be better because you play sports
People who do not cultivate it are worse and die faster. They are definitely fat for that. They probably do not have any hobby, and their life is boring. Only the bike counts. Therefore, if you do something stupid, write: "better than sitting in front of the TV at home and drinking beer", because there are no other options.
Make expensive discussion equipment
For each negative statement, weave the thread of an expensive bike. If someone did not give you a word, please write that he went to Cervelo in a POC helmet. It always triggers an additional hate in people. Just like with Polonez and Bentley, who stand on the site for the disabled - only one of them will become popular on the Internet.
Comment for everyone on tv
You sit on the saddle for 350 hours a year, so if the commentator at the Olympics talks about special shorts in which cyclists ride, you can publicly call him that this report is a travesty. Laugh with embarrassment when the breakfast TV reporter asks about how the cyclists pee rather than how the higher than normally normalized power on the penultimate driveway affected the loss during the last sprint. Just in case, do not check who is watching these programs, do not start talking about cycling topics, because it may turn out that this is what interests him.
Do not let yourself be overtaken
Being overtaken it will take away from honor, always. Even if you're going with your girlfriend for a walk, take care of each other and overtake him on the nearest hill - then wait. It can not be that someone is faster. Do not forget to mention on the Internet about yesterday's situation when you were on the MTB ahead of someone who was driving on the road - but he was weak.
Get lost in the hardware chase
Excellent equipment is never too much. Those who do not have color-matching socks for shorts, T-shirts, a helmet, a bicycle and glasses are weak.
Klep still the same route.
It is true that from your place of residence you can get an hour to the places where the unexplored areas begin, but it does not matter. Your route is yours, so do not leave her just in case.
Share accidents, be indignant that people do not help and record
The drastic ones, just like the last Olympic women race, are the best. Let everyone see pain and suffering. By the way, be indignant that people run up and record a lying bicycle ... then you can go to the youtube and look for this recording.
Ask for what
Whenever someone does something crazy, ask "what for?". Just like those people at work who tell your story about the Saturday race around the Tatra Mountains, ask why you are so tired - they do not understand, they have a worse hobby. Valerjan Romanovski recently did 2,500 laps of the 400-meter stadium near Warsaw, instead of congratulating him, ask why he was doing this and say it's stupid. Like everesting on Agrykola.
E-bikes are evil, shields are evil, electrics are evil
Because if someone drives on an e-bike, he cheats, he does another sport, and he can not do it. It's nothing that you have not been in heavy mountains, for example Tyrol, and you do not know how hard it is to get more than 30 kilometers there. The same with shields, if you do not need them, then others will not be useful. And of course, with electric derailleurs - if the normal ones work well, why the other?
Praise your Chinese parts because they did not kill you
"This Chinese part is good because I made 8,000km on it and I'm alive." You do not have any comparisons as they drive the same in the original version, but since yours work they are the same. The wheel is a wheel - it rolls, or works. Sly people who offer you Fulcrums, because they are heavy and do not go.
Create a group of adoration or hatred for Rapha
Because it's more than just clothes. If you have them - you have to convince everyone that they are the best. If you do not have them, you have to convince people that they are overpaid.
Hit and point out mistakes like me
Last and most important - create negative content - just like me now. Point out mistakes, publicly criticize. Instead of writing that it is nice somewhere, write that others have a rather ugly one. As you are in the mountains, criticize those who are still in Mazovia. When you sit at home, criticize those in the mountains that they prefer adventures than family. If they are there with their family, they've definitely sneaked.
