~~We bought tickets to Leeds the day before the flight because it turned out they were on a good date and cheap.~~

I have always wanted to go to England. It is a wonderful, very popular cycling destination, although it seems to be somewhat ignored by us. A beautiful country, full of nice and elegant people and excellent food. Every single conversation in Warsaw confirms this:

– where are you going for the weekend?
– to England.
– to England? (noticeable surprise)

As well as every single conversation there on the spot:

– do you live here or in Poland?
– in Poland. We came here for a long weekend.
- to England? (noticeable surprise)

Because yes, using useful stereotypes, we can assume that flights to Leeds, Manchester or Birmingham are mainly flown by painters and plasterers. This is confirmed by the departures board in Leeds - planes fly to Poland and warm countries.

This entry is quite a challenge, because there is so much to write about riding through fields with sheep.
and in such a way as to encourage someone

Thanks to this, flights are cheap. For ours – on the most prestigious date, on Thursday morning, the beginning of the long weekend, back on Sunday afternoon – we paid less than PLN 500. Although on site it turned out that the price of the flight has no significance in the overall calculation.

Things worth knowing.

Nowhere has ever been so expensive:
- Pasta with something at a restaurant on the way: PLN 90
- Cheapest reasonable (not hostel) accommodation: min. 500zł-600zł/day. And you can still clap your ears that you managed to find something free.
- A scoop of ice cream from a trailer you pass on the road: PLN 20
- Hamburger on the way: 90zł. That's probably why people eat fish & chips for 9GBP and sandwiches
- Fish & chips may cost £9, but ketchup costs £2, salt £0.50, vinegar £1 etc.
Nowhere, never has it been so hard
- Maybe I'm exaggerating a bit, but the weather + terrain make it difficult. Like Świętokrzyskie, but stretched vertically and horizontally
- Lokalsi They probably haven't mastered the art of overtaking yet. They can limp along for minutes behind a cyclist going 5 km/h. It makes you want to get off your bike and say "WTF?!"
- On the other hand, if the locals overtook like they do in Poland, our trip would have ended at the first bend. Roads two meters wide + a huge number of bends + hedges/stone walls on the verges mean that a car from the opposite direction appears about 2 seconds before we pass each other.

In England they don't speak English (international) only in English (British). It's the same English we learn at school, but with a large potato held in the mouth.
People are surprisingly friendly and smiling
Food is very good: it consists of fat or sugar and additives.

The highest level of planning.

The one-day break from the decision to the departure does not provide any special organizational possibilities. So I limit myself to drawing "some" route on Komoot and that's it. Drawing a route in the UK is slightly different from planning a route in, for example, Ethiopia. I have the impression that on Komoot every, even the smallest, stone is described and commented on by a dozen or so people. Thanks to this, we travel, for example, through The only street in the UK called "Football". The plan is simple: we'll land at Leeds airport and somehow it'll be fine. We'd like to see at least two of the big, local three: Peak District, Yorkshire Dales, Lake District.

We check in at Leeds/Bradford Airport, which is neither in Leeds nor in Bradford and has no trains, at around 8 a.m. We are greeted by downpour and a temperature of 10 degrees, which is exactly how I imagined England would be. I am reminded of my former boss from Manchester, who used to say that when the sun is shining, people take a holiday. We assemble our bikes exceptionally quickly and by 9 a.m. we are ready for an adventure. So we go for a walk to the nearest hotel, carrying two bikes and two suitcases. The choice is easy, because there is only one nearest hotel, and then nothing for a long time. Formally, according to Booking, there is not even one nearest, but as it turned out later, you look for accommodation on Google, not on Booking.

Carrying two bikes and two suitcases is neither pleasant nor comfortable. It would have been just as easy to fold the bike only at the hotel, which would agree to hold our luggage, but thanks to this illogical decision we manage to wait out the rain under a roof. Arranging an agreement at the hotel is easy. I explain to the lady that we would like to leave the suitcases, go cycling and pick them up in three days, and she explains to us that it is not possible. The second attempt is also effective, I explain the same thing, but with the stipulation that we would be happy to book a room for the last night of our stay – that is also not possible. After a few calls to the manager of the facility, we manage to arrange everything and she agrees to everything. I hear her explaining to her boss that we have rented a room, we will leave the suitcases, go cycling and come back in a few hours for them. We start again, this time I try to turn my tongue into a potato and say it again. This time it works out, our suitcases get a disabled room for 3 days, and we join them on the 4th, paying only for the last day. What happened: I don't know, but I won't go into it. We pay £100.99 per night – at the time it seems like a lot, now I know it's a great price. The suitcases are left, we can go – it's about 9 in the morning, because the time has changed a bit on the way. We have the whole day ahead of us.

Thursday - Yorkshire

Distance: 110.50 km, Elev Gain: 1,793 m, Elapsed Time: 10:05:24

The weather is good for the whole 3 days: we don't get wet, and the temperature is such that it's too cold in short sleeves and too warm in long sleeves. When the sun breaks through the clouds it's hot, when it hides it's autumn. On the first day we are also accompanied by a merciless wind, which, combined with the route profile consisting of alternating climbs/descents 10-20%, can be quite a grind.

But that doesn't matter, it's so green that it couldn't get any greener. This is the level of greenery that only Portuguese islands have ever reached. There are also the largest number of sheep that I've ever seen in my life. The number of villages, or rather houses, that we pass on the way is completely inadequate to the area of the fields that we pass. These in turn are intersected by walls made of stones stacked on top of each other, which in their scale (total length) could probably compete with the Great Wall of China. Additionally, every single building looks like a model for the Peaky Blinders series, which shouldn't be surprising, because Birmingham is about 150km as the crow flies. And if that wasn't enough, every single house explains where the term "English garden" comes from (i.e. wild compared to a polished French one). You get what I mean - it's so pretty that even a gale in the face and indecent prices can't take the smile off my face.

That day I take about 300 photos. On average, there are about 12 sheep per photo, so using advanced math, I get to the point where I have captured 3,600 sheep. If I count sheep per second in the evening, I have a whole hour to fall asleep. At the time, it doesn't seem like a problem, but now, as I write these words and browse the photos, I have my seventh cup of coffee in front of me. And it's worth adding that I probably captured one in twenty flocks. If you can even talk about flocks in this uninterrupted band of sheep. I guess the only way to sort it out is with the help of the aforementioned stone fences.

Calculating gently, that day we have about thirteen thousand (maybe I'm exaggerating a bit) small but steep climbs on the route and one big one. The worst thing is that it only looks big when you're riding it. Physics works differently here - you accelerate downhill and suddenly, without touching the brakes, your speed drops by 40 km/h and the bike stops.

The climb is called Settle Nipple and has 4% over 5km, which is of course untrue because I know what 4% look like and this is definitely not them.

Likewise the descent that follows it, which has over 11% at its steepest kilometre, and in reality it has all the possible percentages.

The cool thing about this post is that if someone just I'm scrolling and looks at the photos without reading the text, he probably won't even notice that it's a hill that we struggled to climb for 40 minutes.

Every torment in life is rewarded, because life is fair, right? Well, if we were extremist followers of Allah, we would have 72 naked houris waiting for us for this unjust fight. But we are not, so we have an old, naked man and his cafe waiting for us. Fair enough, such is the fight, such is the reward. So we decide to "hold on a little longer and eat something in the next city." Of course, there won't be another city in the near future. Ye Fake This Shit.

Only 20km later (in the normal world "a bit further", but here "3 days' drive further") we stop for pizza. Pizza may not be the most British dish, so we choose cheese fries. From that day on, I can confidently say that the UK has the worst fries in the world and I have another 3 days to convince myself of that. These are not fries, but rather potato-fried fries. Their fries are to our fries, as their bread is to ours.

However, it doesn't change the fact that it's still unimaginably beautiful. The combination of views, terrain, roads, and the ratio of people to animals is summed up by Sylwia in one sentence.

These are probably some kind of eggs
Sylwia about Yorkshire

We sleep in Kendall. It's a medium-sized town by local standards. There's a chain hotel and Lidl though - that's all I need. I book my accommodation through the hotel website found on Google, because it's obviously not on Booking. A night at the Travelodge Kendal Town Centre costs £77.99. The ladies at the reception, straight out of a British comedy about young people with no future, suggest that we go to our room with our bikes. This is not trivial, because the hotel, small from the outside, located in one of the tenement houses, turns out to be a place that can accommodate over 50 rooms on one floor. To get to ours, we go through a corridor with 7 right-angled turns.

We are exhausted – it’s hard to say whether it’s the wind, the terrain, or the fact that we started the day sometime after 3am (or in the morning, as some believe).

Friday - Lake District

Distance: 105.87 km, Elev Gain: 1,940 m, Elapsed Time: 9:25:09

The day confirms that not every climb is the same. The profile is the same, the route may be even harder, but the day is easier, although still hard – which can be seen in the numbers. I also remind you that the kilometer bikepacking is not equal to a kilometre of normal driving. I am reminded of the golden words that planning a route at a desk is like shopping when you are hungry. The route starts strong, and then it only gets stronger. We enter the Lake District – together with the neighbouring national parks, it is probably the equivalent of our Zakopane. When the sun is shining, the English take a day off and go there to walk or sit by the water. At least those who did not fly to Majorca or Tenerife.

We start of course from the hotel itself, with a slightly over a kilometer driveway with a gradient of over 5%, which may not sound bad, if not for the fact that there is a bit of a descent along the way. It doesn't matter, the views are worth everything, even though it is similar to what we saw the whole previous day. Maybe a few more villages, but still a few buildings. It also doesn't change that taking pictures is hard, because the world looks like it has been run through Photoshop. Taking a picture with an iPhone and displaying it on the screen burns your eyes. We also turn to the side somewhere to a viewpoint. An additional problem is that every day we pass countless different weather conditions, so pictures taken an hour apart look like they were taken at a different time of year: different colors, different light, everything different.

I really enjoy analyzing the names of the dozens or hundreds of Strava segments we ride along the way. Yes, both Strava and Komoot confirm that this is the mecca of cycling. So there are things like:

bends: "I like my S-bends like I like my women..."
climbs after 10% for 1km: "late for the ferry are we?"
Lakeside walking/biking trails: "The Tourists Who Can't Hear Bells Half Mile"
high climbs: "Up as far as you can in the snow"
climbs to funny named pubs: "Climb to the Queen's Head"
driving through places with funny names: "Celleron ... The Processor"
ramps showing up behind ramps: "Really didn't need that"
local landmarks: "Take me to church"
and the episodes whose name says it all: "That big horrible hill!"

and this is just a fragment of one route, from one day. As if that were not enough, on the way we also pass, apart from the standard golf courses here, a golf course where the ball is a soccer ball and the stick is a foot.

We decide not to attempt the most popular climbs in the Lake District. Those that require powerful cars or good soles*, such as Hardknott Pass exceeding 30%, apparently. There are two reasons. The first is unofficial – we simply don’t feel like pushing our luggage. The second is that the weather is nice, it’s the weekend, and there’s not much traffic on the main roads (for the local conditions). This means that we’ll be lumbering along at 3km/h, and behind us there’ll be a line of cars stretching to the horizon. That doesn’t sound like a holiday. However, to get a taste of the Lake District, we drive through something called “The stunning Lyth Valley”, then pass the largest lake in the area and head for Kirkstone Pass – although perhaps not necessarily the way we should. Because instead of taking the driveway “The Struggle”, it’s the main road, where the traffic may not be particularly troublesome, but it is there nonetheless. The Struggle is known for Mr. Bradley Wiggins ran along it with his bike during the Tour of Britain.

*Yes, I'm also surprised that it's written podesz and not wesele, but I highlighted it and checked it in the dictionary.

The ascent is super great, the views of course too – in our version it is almost 10km with an average of slightly below 4% (of course with a small descent on the way). The funniest thing about it is that under the peak I feel at least as if I were in the Romanian Carpathians at 2000m, and I am 4x lower.

If the climb was good, I don't know what to say about the descent, except that it took a disproportionately short time compared to the climb. I'll even dare say that if someone had moved me to this place a month ago, I would have said I was next to Ugandan volcanoes.

The rest of the day is nothing special. Some lakes, some hidden castles, hills, cows, two tourist towns. Of course - very nice, but we both have the feeling that we have been driving through such an area for 7 days and 7 nights non-stop.

On the way we stop in Appleby-in-Westmorland for some classic fish and chips. I admire the locals for treating this as normal, everyday food and indeed – there is a constant queue for fish and chips in a box. We also surprise ourselves, because instead of spending the night in Appleby Castle (in the former servants' room, of course, because that's all we can afford), we decide to roll another 20km to Kirby Stephen and spend the night in a room with a bathroom with an elderly lady: Jolly Farmers Guest House. For a room with breakfast we pay £134.85. Yes, almost 700zł and it is one of the cheapest accommodations in the wide area. Because there may be a lot of accommodations, but not necessarily free ones.

Not to be too cheap, there is a picture of sheep hanging in the room and I already know… Sylwia spends the evening stalking the author image and, as you might guess, orders a numbered copy to be sent to Warsaw. The author herself returns to her by e-mail with the question "why" and "how did it happen?"

Saturday – Yorkshire Dales and not the Pennis

Distance: 108.23 km, Elev Gain: 1,776 m, Elapsed Time: 9:08:50

I start the day with disappointment. It turns out that the hills along which we ride are not the North Pennies at all, but the North Pennines. One more "n" and how much less joy.

Fortunately, the views make up for it. It would seem that nothing will surprise us anymore, since there are only hills and sheep, but it is a 10/10 on the scale of peace and driving pleasure. We would probably say differently if the bottles had not been filled in Spar at the night, because I would probably have filled them from the river, avoiding the sheep blocks.

The key moment of the day was Fleet Moss around the 30th kilometre. Over 6km with an average of over 5.5% and arranged in such a way that at first it is difficult, and then it flattens out, from which you can see the whole of the last 2km with an average of 10%, which later do not turn out to be final at all. Apparently, when God created this place, he thought to himself "and I'll fuck them up here, they'll be surprised".

The descent is very pleasant, because the beginning is about heating the brakes to red, and then you slowly roll without pedaling among sheep, a river and single houses. You even find some ice cream on the way (20 PLN/scoop!).

Then it's the classic: "we're almost there, just a few more hours." I'd like to say it's easy and pleasant, but it's not. Even though we're riding on a fairly busy road at times, there are still sections that are generally considered very steep.

The tour ends at The Wetherby Whaler “restaurant” in Guiseley, which is next to Leeds Bradford Airport, unlike Leeds or Bradford. This place was recommended to me 3 days earlier by an older gentleman in a turtleneck, who for some unknown reason had informed me of its cult status during my initial shopping trip to Aldi. Indeed, Google Maps says it is a local fish and chips chain with a rating of 4.4/5 out of almost 2000 reviews. It is hard for me to rate the food after three days on the bike, because even mud with salt would probably be good, but it never ceases to amaze me that it is the most popular dish in the area. We eat the chips unsalted, of course, because we don’t want to spend 5 PLN on salt. (probably to you – Sylwia's note). She wouldn't have helped them anyway.

At the Travelodge Leeds Bradford Airport hotel (which is neither in Leeds nor Bradford, but is within walking distance of the airport) our suitcases are waiting for us in their dedicated, "accessible" room. You can lie in peace and stare at the ceiling until morning. We devote Sunday to really Saturday night mistakes. So many years, and I still can't aim at "how much food to buy in Lidl to eat it all". To illustrate what I have to deal with - for example, I have an "All day breakfast" sandwich (like from Żabka, only 3x more expensive), consisting of 3 sandwiches: bacon and egg, sausage and egg, bacon and sausage and egg.