Bikepacking Finland - Bory Tucholskie with reindeers

Here's the situation: Sunday morning, I wake up next to a bald, dead guy with a pink "Helsinki Death Fest" armband. You look to your left: a wall full of vinyl, the nicest of which is still a heavier metal than Iridium. My knees are wobbling side to side, and so much skin has peeled off my heels that if a prince with a boot came looking for Cinderella, I could spend the rest of my life with him. The Garmin scale would show that I currently consist of lasagne in the 47% and oatmeal in the 33% - the rest of the components are mainly pain and blisters. I'm going to have a duel soon board games with the trilingual Janek, after which he will spend the next hours of the day with his head in the pillow, shouting loudly: "NO!". Well, he couldn't lose... Who am I and what happened? Is this still the man who runs the bicycle blog?

So that after reading this post you can feel at least a little better person, I have a curiosity:

Finland is not Scandinavia*

*and if it's scandinavian then iceland, faroe islands and greenland are also scandinavian

Useful links:

• List of public huts/shelters/shelters:
  https://www.tulikartta.fi/en/index.php?type=kota&lataus=1
• List of bicycle routes:
  https://www.bikeland.fi/en/reitit

Useful phrases:

Any Finnish words will probably not be of any use to you, because there are no people in the north and everyone in the south speaks English anyway. Besides, Finnish in Helsinki is a different Finnish than elsewhere. Not only that, I have a theory that the Finnish language does not exist and all sounds made by Finns are made up. This is why they talk so little to each other and their homes are so far apart. Similarly with any inscriptions: it is a patchwork of random letters - most often doubled and with a long sequence of "tu", "lu" and "ku", you can put an imaginary letter "ö" or "ä" between them so that tourists cannot rewrite the word to Google (and discover it doesn't exist). However, if you really want to know something:

Perkels! - when you find out that your tires are half too narrow, or when you see the bill at the store
Kalsarikannit - in a situation where you are sitting in your underwear alone drinking beer at home
huivi - supposedly means a scarf, but it works well as an answer for accidentally encountered compatriots asking about the nearest store
bitch - supposedly means a sock, but again - quite useful

In addition, there are some words useful for bikepacking, for example:

humamouth - dizziness
huilat - relax
iso kakka - big feces
pussi - bag
ripuli - diarrhea

besides, the language in which "appelsini" means orange, not apple, has no chance of being adopted. Most of the subtitles are therefore translated into Swedish. Even Google Translate can't handle this language.

On the list of countries that I wanted to visit, Finland is in no place, because for most of my life I don't remember about its existence

When searching for "what to see in Finland" or "the best places in Finland" on the internet, it's hard to find a single good place. These bicycle ones are limited to a jackdaw, a tent and Chillu by the lake or endless straights covered during expeditions to Nordkapp. So, setting the route wasn't particularly easy. As it turned out later, our route is largely a random mix Eurovelo 11, The Santa's Western Gravel Loop and The Arctic Post Road Gravel Route. is it worth it? If you had asked me during the 80% route driving time, I would have answered "NO" and quoted Michael as saying "this route pisses me off". During the remaining 20%s, and in retrospect, I say "YES, definitely."

The Hop Cycling Travel travel agency invites you to another journey along a perfectly prepared route:

Day 0: Helsinki -> Rovaniemi -> Sirrka

Escape from the airport is easy, just use the elevator, which takes about 20 floors to the train. Half an hour later, poorer by 4.1 euros, we are at the central station, where the railway line ends. I wonder if many capitals in the world are also the end of the railway line.

By the way, here is my favorite train website showing where we can get from Helsinki directly: https://direkt.bahn.guru/?origin=1000094.

Remember when I said beautiful language? Well, Helsinki Central is in Finnish: Helsingin päärautatieasema, due to the fact that no one can pronounce it, the messages are also in Swedish: Helsingfors central station.

On arrival, we are greeted by classic Finnish hospitality: there is no intercom in the block facing the street, so you have to use the phone to call. This fits well with the tradition of no external door handles in apartments. We spend the evening walking around the most pleasant places in the city: the cemetery and the premises of the psychiatric institution.

Somehow after 11pm we have a train to Ravaniemi. It's about 1000 kilometers. The price of the train never ceases to amaze me. The distance in total is too, because from the south of Finland to the north it is in a straight line twice as far as from Warsaw to Helsinki.

Helsinki -> Rovaniemi (PLN 516 / 2 people + 2 bikes)

The Rovaniemi station seems to be the most northerly station (not counting Kolari, although I can't find a direct connection to it) and we end up rather broken and rather sleepy. The plus is that we have only a dozen or so kilometers to the village of Santa Claus.

Well, this village in the middle of summer looks like Santa and his elves with reindeers went to Ciechocinek to rest. There is no craziness, but there are a few shops with the same assortment as in stores in Helsinki. So we do a round of honor, a photo with the strip marking the polar circle and we can move on. As part of the tradition, we also ask a random tourist to take a picture of us. I don't know what these strange times are, but I didn't even realize that the guy made them vertically instead of horizontally. I got the hang of us wearing the same clothes all the time. We also have photos in exactly the same outfit, for example, from Romania, Rwanda and from crossing the equator.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS ARE:

We go to Finland for holidays: flat, few impressions, peace, long day, full of fun. It is only in the first kilometers that we realize that the planned over 5000m vertically for 650km is not flat at all. In the end, it will be 730 km in 3.5 days, which is less tiring than our walking part.

The overall impression is as if our Kashubia were moved to the States. The landscape is the same as in Męcikale, but in addition, the awareness that these forests stretch for hundreds of kilometers. You see the road to the horizon, and beyond the horizon there will be another horizon. And reindeer, we pass dozens of reindeer. Their behavior is more like a cross between a cow, a dog and a cyclist than a roe deer. They don't run away from us, instead they seem to chase and make completely unpredictable and senseless movements along the way.

There are a lot of "reindeer" products in stores, but we became friends with them in the forests so much that eating anything would cause remorse similar to eating a friend during a plane crash in the Andes. Every time I look at the refiner meat in the tubcec I see his questioning face "Why don't you take the cheese lasagna?„

We have beautiful plans, because we are going with mattresses, down pillows and bivvy (such a luxury bag for garbage people) - we plan to sleep in public huts. We forget, however, that our holiday approach is a bit different from this plan, so we spend every night in civilization. Because huts may exist, but so what if you first have to hit the shop to buy dinner / breakfast (that is, our only meals). The extra opportunity to wash up, dry things, heat food in the microwave and relatively low prices ultimately prevail.

And talk to lokalsami you can. That is, it would be possible if some existed or spoke. All rentals were done by "sending you the code to the door". The only interaction is to point out to us at the hostel that we are lame about matching garbage into the segregated bins. And in the store when we try to buy beer after 9:00 pm. After this hour, although alcohol is still on the shelves, you can't buy it anywhere. I'm even talking about Radlers.

Somehow, quite by accident, we finish driving at a similar time every day - a little after 8 pm. Clearly, it may be a bit longer, but so what, since the shops are closed later. On the first day we fit in perfectly, because we end the ride somewhere under the 190th kilometer. We have an excellent accommodation, I would even say luxurious. In addition, right next to a large shop and a ski slope that we do not need at the moment.

Even a very complicated riddle: why our house does not open with the code obtained over the phone, is not able to change my opinion about this accommodation. Understanding that someone can call the houses Kira and Keira and that they are completely different buildings does not seem to make sense to us until now.

Polar Star Apartments – PLN 290 (quadruple house with kitchen and sauna)

Day 1: Sirrka -> Äkäslompolo

This is the day we came here. The essence of the whole trip, the only place that gave some scenic hopes on Google Street View. We hit the jackpot because despite the drizzle and chill in the morning, the day is perfect. We're going to Pallas–Yllästunturin kansallispuistoie a national park. It gives the whole trip a purpose that can be summed up simply:

we go as far north as possible by train, then we bike to the park, we walk up one or three hills and get back on a train.

And indeed, even though Pallas–Yllästunturin for touring it's definitely more for boots or MTB, it's great. Maybe I don't necessarily recommend following in our footsteps (literally), because we decided to leave the bikes at the foot of one of the hills (about 550 m above sea level) and go to the top in cycling shoes, thanks to which I lost most of the skin from my heels, but Non, je ne regrette rien! It was worth it.

Then we try to get to the higher hills, along the trails along the ski lifts, but it seems a better idea to abandon the concept and return there in the future with sneakers or electric fatbikes, whose rentals are everywhere.

The photo below is a lie. In fact, we drive a bit further than it was done and turn back. The point of our driveway is more or less the end of this road on the left in the photo above. The plan to walk there with a shoe was good the moment my heels had skin. Taking advantage of the fact that few people read the text, I add this information. Scanning photos will think it's a gravel paradise.

Somewhere along the way, we turn to short walks leaving the main road to look around from the small but clearly visible peaks in the area. This time they are more passable, which makes us extremely happy.

This is also the day when Michał loses his crank for the first time. From that moment, for the next several hundred kilometers, the crank requires tightening more and more often and it also falls off more and more often. Until it's completely gone.

Along the way, we wonder what a normal person would do in such a situation. Because the crank falling off in the middle of the forests in the Arctic Circle does not sound very comfortable. We ignore the problem in accordance with the "it's going to be okay" strategy that works so far, and the conversation smoothly turns into "who are normal people".

if someone asked me to point to the opposite of Rwanda, it would be the Finnish Arctic Circle

*I don't know why anyone would do that

Here, in September, there are thousands of reindeer sets, which make various, reindeer things. We sleep in a hostel that resembles a mountain shelter - it's perfect.

SIver Fox Hostel – PLN 300 (double room, shared kitchen and bathroom)

Day 2: Äkäslompolo -> Övertorneå

In the morning we look out the window - reminds me of Forrest Gump in Vietnam, where the rain fell from above, below and from the side. We wait until noon, nothing changes. No hope at all.. In the "joy of driving" category, this day is quite far from my list. He is not saved even by a downpour, unimaginable wind in the mouth and a falling crank, which try to somehow diversify the ubiquitous forest and nothingness.

We go, nothing happens, I would like to say that it's better than at work anyway, but I'm not sure. While looking at the photo below, set the fan directly on your face.

Let me describe our situation with a quote from a song by Mr. Łona and Mr. Webber and a photo:

Write like this, "You can't live here, you can't live here" It's not much that muck and poverty, it's also depression The power doesn't caress, rather thinks how to butcher you How about a sidewalk, for example? Crooked, please Rain, hail, storms And rude natives with a cannibal nature (...) Before the hell even touches you, you One, take a postcard, two, send it anywhere Send it in any direction, you can shoot Kuala Lumpur, Ulaanbaatar, Delhi (...) Let it lighten your horizon that Where you send her, it's probably much worse

At the end of the day we drive to the Swedish side, but not much changes, except that the grass is greener and the houses are prettier and redder.

Finding a place to stay close to any shop open in the evening is a bit of a challenge. As usual, the solution with the title "let's drive up despite this storm and rain from 70km away" seems good. More and more often we understand why no one goes on vacation with us.

We circumvent the challenge by discovering that when you cross the border, your time zone also changes, so we shop in Sweden and sleep in Finland, in a cabin that is without a doubt in the top 5 worst (paid) places we've ever slept in. He would be fine in Africa. This completes the perfection of the day. The only bright spot was the lady at the cash desk at Coop who looked like she had been created using the "generate me a Swedish woman" typed in Midjourney.

Jokivarren Majatalo i Mökit – PLN 268 per room

Day 3: Övertorneå -> Oulu

Deep down, we are good people - fate must have changed. The wind is turning, blowing south. We become a two-person professional peloton. Like Filippo Ganna driving a time trial with Remco Evenepoel. Or at least that's how we feel when we exceed 30km/h. The only thing that distinguishes us from them is the constantly falling off crank and luggage on bicycles. If Patrick Lefevre was sitting at one of the many stops we passed, waiting for the bus to arrive at no-fifteen, we'd have a secure professional contract.

We modify our plan, instead of returning to Rovaniemi, we head to Oulu, through which our return train passes. 

Of course we're in time. It is even comfortable enough that we can spend the evening by the lighthouse watching people watch the sunset and shoot selfies. As it is before midnight, we load onto a train full of Finnish youth. Michał puts the bike in the bicycle car (which is quite far from our seats) and takes the crank arm with him like Mr. Bean taking the handlebars from the Mini Cooper with him.

Rovaniemi (but we get on in Oulu) -> Helsinki (PLN 637 / 2 people + 2 bikes)

This is where our cycling adventure in Finland ends. We spend some more time in Helsinki, but I can't write anything interesting about it. Finland joins the list of countries where I don't want to live, but which I may return to someday (although probably without a bike).

FINN.